When you shake someone’s hand, just who is shaking whose hand? And the simple answer is: you both are. Yet the person who initiates has the advantage. If someone asks you to ‘tell the truth’ and then you do, that’s not the same as if you initiate by telling the truth before they ask. The same goes for everything else. If I see you take action about something I have not yet asked you to do, I’m far more impressed than if you take action after I ask. In everyday things, which do you initiate and which do you follow someone else’s lead. This is an obvious (yet subtle!) way to show leadership. ————————– These are related: 11 Feedback – 13 Changing Change – 22 Attitude – 24 The Wedge – 31 Being at-Cause – 42 Leadership 43 Desire – 44 After – 59 Hesitation – 63 Free Will – 81 Second Impressions – 82 Limitations 85 Babies – 88 Will Power – 95 Ring/Knock
Communications
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84 The Communication Process
Fights at home?
No progress at work?
Things just not going right for you?
Unless really desperate, we ignore communications that can change us.
Effective Communications is a process that goes beyond # 4:
- Ritual acknowledgment.
Basically ‘ignoring’ whatever they say …in a socially polite way!
- Refuse to listen.
Far advanced because it allows that there’s actually something there to refuse.
- Mis-interpret to sender’s detriment.
Senders tend to give up when this happens: “Aw, just forget it!”
- Massage information to mitigate input.
Bring in all sorts of counterpoints to explain-away rather than deal-with.
- Accept input intellectually.
“Doesn’t apply to me, of course, but I see what you’re saying. Interesting.”
- Try input on for size.
If I were that way, let me see, that would mean I often am /do thus and so. etc.
- Adjust thinking to incorporate communication. SUCCESS!!
- Use in all future things: The new me.
Fights at home?
No progress at work?
Things just not going right for you?
Accelerate the process: Choose any one thing you have trouble with.
When someone tells you (or you tell yourself!) what’s wrong…
Determine where you are in the Process.
Check the next step because that’s where you’re stuck.
Then ‘conscious’ your way through that step.
Don’t stop there! Take the next step.
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These are related:
10 Progress It – 11 Feedback – 12 Change – 27 Responses – 43 Desire
52 Correct Decisions – 57 Helicopter – 67 Personal Nag – 69 Labels
70 Conclusions – 83 Being Wrong – 95 Ring/Knock – 103 Ring/Knock Part 2
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81 Second Impressions
Someone at a reception smiled a hello and shook my hand warmly.
Later I saw him sneering at one of the waiters.
And, later still, talking behind someone’s back.
You only have one chance to make a first impression, true, but you have an awful lot of time to make plenty of second impressions.
With a stranger who will soon no longer be in your life (a receptionist, someone in an elevator /lift, etc.) a first impression really counts. For a very short time!
However if you’re going to be seeing /interacting with a person then second impressions are what really count.
We get positive feedback our routine /first impression works from new people we meet. We don’t realize everyone who matters (those with whom we have ongoing interactions) easily figure out our routine(s).
“Oh that’s Charlie, he’s always like that. We just ignore him.”
A genuine laugh /chuckle occasionally expressed shows good humor.
The same thing, done continuously, shows inane-ness.
Who would promote someone always laughing!
A genuine occasional complaint about the traffic /weather etc. is a fair response.
The same thing done continuously shows a level of intolerance.
Who would promote someone always triggered by weather or traffic?
Stop looking at the impression you make on new people and look at the ongoing impression you make (and reinforce!) on people you interact with every day.
They deal with you based on second Impressions.
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These are related:
11 Feedback – 30 Ever-changing Relationships – 31 Being at-Cause – 46 Always – 52 Correct Decisions
60 Patterns – 71 Nice – 73 Killing Frogs – 74 Dictating Your Miracle – 79 Truth Time
86 Don’t Be Yourself – 99 Perfection! – 100 Ransom Notes – 104 Power
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80 ‘No’ Is Information
Are you hungry?
No.
Do you want to buy this car?
No.
Will you stay for my whole speech?
No.
Do you get negative /bad emotions hearing ‘no‘?
Realize the other person actually exists and is conveying information about themselves, not commenting on you.
Are you hungry?
No. I just ate.
Do you want to buy this car?
No. I’m your competition, just trying to see why you’re so successful.
Will you stay for my whole speech?
No. I have an important appointment but I can stay for the first half.
Once you understand people have their own individuality and simply express themselves, then ‘no‘ becomes Information-about-them rather than a negative reflection about you.
This is their information to you and not about you, you, you.
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These are related:
11 Feedback – 18 Being Triggered – 27 Responses – 48 Saying No – 53 Guilt – 55 Oxygen
71 Nice – 79 Truth Time
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77 Nine Cows
Two University students became friends.
After graduation one invites the other to visit his island.
Upon arriving it turns out he is actually the King’s son and as such has to find himself a wife suitable as future queen.
They search all over the island but can not find a ‘nine cow’ wife.
As per custom, the Father is given from 1 to 9 cows as dowry for his daughter. However they simply can not find one worth 9 cows.
After a while the other student goes home.
A year later he receives an invitation to his friend’s coronation.
Upon arriving at the island a gracious woman, sitting on a chair carried by four burly men, meets him.
Here surely is a 9 cow wife!
He asks his friend how he found her.
“Oh, I couldn’t find a nine cow wife so I took the one with the most potential and paid nine cows for her. She then has a reputation to live up to.”
Why not adopt that very attitude with people. Put the loudest complainer in charge of complaints.
Always assume those around you can do whatever it is they’re asked to do.
Give them all an automatic vote of confidence.
Many people do this with their children. Why not expand and include everyone around you.
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These are related:
7 Disaster – 11 Feedback – 19 Expectations – 26 Discounting Self – 27 Responses
30 Ever-changing Relationships – 31 Being at-Cause – 37 Or Its Equivalent – 47 Gold Stamps
54 Self – 64 Natural Talents – 69 Labels – 74 Dictating Your Miracle – 85 Babies – 103 Ring/Knock Part 2